So, I have a new idea to keep myself a bit disciplined in my spiritual life. Before I get online for the day, even just to check my email or whatever, I have to have done my devos. If I have time to get on facebook, I have time to spend with God.
This is like the most simple thing ever, I’m not sure why it never occurred to me and I’m sure a million of you (ha! Like that many people will read this!) are probably already going….”Um, yeah…tell me something new.” But seriously, people…this has never even crossed my mind before. And when it happened this morning as I was beginning to pull my laptop onto my lap, if you were here, I swear to you that you might have seen the lightbulb literally go off over my head. It was that kind of revelation.
And I’m so excited about this! Because this is something I can keep up with. It’s not such and such time every day that I can never hit and never make because life ALWAYS interferes.
Anyways, now that I’ve shared what an idiot I am, let me expound on that and tell you what God has been teaching me this week. To sum: a lot. A lot of a lot. This has been a big week for me, spiritually. I think I was finally in a place where God could teach me some things and I feel…just…happy. Do you know how long it has been since I said something like that? Oh, a long, long time.
So, in my small Bible study group, we are working through a study of David. The man after God’s own heart. And it has been so good. So, so good. This week, in particular. It was about relating to God after failure.
If anyone has known about what is going on in my life, this past year has been riddled with failures on my part. Great, big, giant, humongous failures.
And it was like a snowball rolling down a hill, these failures. They just picked up steam, lost control, and before you know it: catastrophe.
This is a long, long story.
So, click on, if you dare.
It started with a family crisis. I struggle with how much to reveal, because I can’t reveal it all, unfortunately. My immediate family (parents, siblings) – it was like a bomb hit. Scandal, embarrassment, hurt. Deep emotional pain. Very soap-opera like, honestly. Except, you know, I was living it. I was in the middle of it.
It was the kind of crisis that is completely overwhelming. That you just don’t know what to do with all the emotions associated with it. What I know now is that I should have IMMEDIATELY gotten myself to a Christian counselor. Like, stat. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. But I didn’t.
Why I didn’t was a series of unfortunate circumstances that continued to be a problem over the course of my downward spiral. I didn’t have much of a support system. Here is why:
·
Pastor’s
Wife – This hit me when we were less than a year into our first full-time
ministry. We had just moved to a new
town. New church. And I was “the youth pastor’s wife”. To say that I was lonely and had no friends
would be an understatement. Such an
understatement. I was so so lonely. I had no one to talk to about my life or
problems. I was an island unto
myself. And when things really got shook
up, and I really needed someone…the matter was so sensitive and so, just
awful. It was the kind of thing that you
only really would tell your very closest confidant. It wasn’t like I could just go out and find
someone to talk to, then. I was
lost. And alone.
·
Mom – I
was also super Mommy. I don’t know about
you, but I have found, Mommies very often don’t get time to deal with their
problems. We suffer in silence. We push things down, thinking, I’ll deal with
this later, I don’t have time for this now.
Plus, we like to put on the brave face and brave front. We don’t like to answer the question, “Mommy,
why are you crying?”, so we keep it together in front of the kids. Since I had kids, I found it very hard to
maintain or initiate friendships. And
for community or church activities, I very often found myself to be the one at
home with the kids, allowing my husband to attend.
·
Corporate
Ladder Climber – I worked full-time.
I was very good at my job. When
we moved, I was able to keep my job and work from home. Which, yes, was a blessing, but also, a
curse. Working from home was not the
utopia that I always thought it would be.
I became even MORE isolated, as I lost even more human contact throughout
the day. I did more juggling as I was
trying to take care of kids and work at the same time. As I said, I was very good at my job. I kept moving on up the promotion chain at
work, getting more and more responsibility.
I moved from hourly to salary work.
This meant that I worked constantly.
I travelled a lot for my job. I
was glued to my BlackBerry. We were a
national company, so it was not unheard of for me to get emails literally
around the clock. I was a busy girl.
So, when this crisis hit, I initially handled it well. I knew that God was in control. I knew that he was God, you know? That we would somehow get through it, that it was overwhelming, but yes, that we would persevere.
Very few at church knew what was going on. I had to put on that brave front, you know? I wasn’t allowed to reveal really how much I was hurting and how angry I was or anything else because so many weren’t even clued into the story. So I carried it alone.
The business of our lives created very little couple time for my husband and I. We didn’t have much time to talk. And when we did, he will honestly admit now, that he did not handle things well.
At some point, I knew that I needed help. That I was not okay. I knew that the amount of anger I had, it was not okay to have that. That, spiritually, it was a problem. I had no clue how to deal with it. I would pray and pray and pray, but I was so lost and so confused. I needed spiritual counsel. I desperately needed it. I needed someone to help me navigate myself through this. To pray with me. And for me.
I remember asking my husband for help. He was afraid to seek help. That, by the church, it would be seen in a poor light.
I just got worse.
I started throwing myself into my work. It was tangible. I did a good job; I got praised. I got constant reassurance and good, happy things thrown my way. It was an escape.
As I got worse, my marriage started to show signs of wear and tear. I stopped talking to my husband about how I was feeling. I stopped talking to him about a lot of things. All that anger that I had that I wasn’t dealing with? Started spilling out onto him and our family life.
Things got bad. Like really, really bad.
I wanted out. I wanted to escape. I ran away from home for a weekend. I told him I was done.
During this time, the church was actually supportive. They still loved and cared for us. They gave Tim paid time off to work on our marriage. They sent us to a counselor. They were so loving and caring towards me.
Tim and I met with the counselor. During the counseling, I figured out that the problem was not with our marriage. It was with me. I was messed up. Seriously, messed up. I needed to deal with my issues before we could ever deal with our marriage.
At that point, we crossed a line. Tim and I were in this for the long haul. We made it through that, and were not leaving each other and that was such a huge victory. So huge!
But I was still a mess. A great big ball of mess.
After I had initially run away from home, I was cognizant enough to realize that I wasn’t exactly making rational decisions. That I was emotional and needed some help. I also was not eating or sleeping. At all. I went to my doctor and she gave me some Paxil and Ambien.
I continued to take those. I didn’t get any better. I got worse, much much worse.
I was still working like crazy. I was still trying to hold it all together. I was falling apart.
I still had no one to talk to.
This is when things started to get really, really bad.
It’s hard to talk about this now, because unless you’ve been in it, you’ll never understand.
Mental illness runs in my family. On both sides. I’ve always been leery and afraid of “the crazy” because I’ve seen the real and devastating effects on those that Iove. It is very real and very messy and awful and ugly. So, I’m predisposed. Biologically inclined, if you will.
I very definitely had stress and crisis in my life. Psychologically, I was not coping well. I was lost and trying valiantly to cope, but failing oh, so miserably.
I was definitely and most really fighting depression. And not, “oh boy, I’m depressed” because you are sad and blue. We are talking Depression. Mental illness, depression. Where there is a very real and very significant problem with your brain chemistry.
It is embarrassing to admit that you have a problem.
Even more embarrassing, I feel, as a Christian to admit that you have this type of problem. Let alone, a pastor’s wife.
There are very many in the world today who feel that this isn’t real. A lot of Christians feel that this is all “psychobabble”. That God should be enough. That if you can’t handle life, that it is a spiritual problem.
Let me tell you. There isn’t a person in the world who didn’t want God to take her pain away more than me when I was struggling with this. There isn’t a person in the world who didn’t pray, pray, pray and just try to ask God for guidance and help and was so lost and scared and crying through the madness.
I knew God. I loved God. I was living my life for God. But I was failing. My brain was Messed Up.
My brain chemistry conspired against me. This is a very real and very serious illness.
If you are struggling with this – please, please, please do not do what I did. Do not try to fight this on your own. GO GET HELP. Please. Please, please, please.
I continued to struggle and so spiraled downward. My husband didn’t know what to do to help.
I wasn’t eating. I wasn’t sleeping. I was isolating myself so much. I wasn’t talking to anyone unless I absolutely had to. I stopped being a Mommy. I stopped being me.
I layed in bed a lot and stared at the wall. I had all kinds of panic attacks. Very real and very frightening panic attacks. I would shake and my heart would race and….I was just Messed Up.
We didn’t know what to do.
I got worse. On a work travel trip, I attempted suicide. I was hospitalized out of state.
My wonderful husband came and got me and brought me back to Michigan. I was re-hospitalized here in Michigan.
And you know what? I started healing. My brain chemistry issues were addressed and dealt with. I started dealing with the issues that got me hospitalized in the first place. I learned and was educated on warning signs and coping skills and all sorts of things that I needed.
I worked myself out of the hospital onto a partial hospitalization program. And then I graduated from that.
I was started to un-isolate myself and reinsert myself back into my life. Little by little.
This is a hard and scary thing to do. You are ashamed and embarrassed by the failures that you’ve racked up. You are still dealing with coping and fighting the panic disorders.
But I was getting better. I was coming out of it. I was hopeful again.
And then….and then.
Our church. Who had initially been so supportive. Who were acting so supportive the entire time that I was hospitalized. At least to Tim’s face, it would seem. Our church. Who had become our family. Who we loved and trusted. Who we were looking to for support. Who we needed. Our church, they betrayed us.
Two days after I graduated from the partial hospital program, Tim went to his bi-monthly prayer and share meeting with the church elders and senior pastor. At this meeting, instead of praying and sharing, they essentially fired my husband. Because of me.
It was so unexpected and so very unlike them. It didn’t at all make any sense to us. And it hurt.
We both met with them two days later. They were doing this under the guise of “helping” us. They were offering six month’s salary. Six months of us staying in the parsonage. They were going to pay for more marital counseling.
As much as we tried to tell them that I was getting better. That I had gotten the help that I so desperately needed. That we definitely still felt called there. That this wasn’t a marital issue, it fell on somewhat deaf ears.
We tried to ask for a sabbatical. For them to help us heal, and to pray and work with us through this.
The senior pastor told us, very coldly, that our ministry there was done. End of discussion. I think it was at this point, that I noticed this book on his desk.
When we accepted the call to this church, it took them four months of praying and meeting to decide to bring us there. It took them one meeting to decide to kick us out.
A few days later, the senior pastor told us not to come to church that week. They needed to tell the church and it would be too “uncomfortable” for us to be there. He later told me that both the flock and our family needed “a period of separation” for healthy growth.
I told Tim later that week that if I wanted them to be okay with my failures and to forgive me, I had to be okay with theirs. Even if they didn’t ask for forgiveness or were sorry. Because that is grace. That is the grace that God has shown me. And I so didn’t deserve it. And that is what I will show them.
They made the wrong decision. I know that they made the wrong decision.
Mental illness is a very real and serious issue that requires medical attention. It is NOT just a sin issue. But you know what? It can be overcome. With the help of both your doctors and with God, it can be overcome! And you know what else? I didn't fully understand it either, until I had gone through it. Until you know just how black it can be...you just can't know.
They kept using this analogy with Tim when they tried to explain things about how in spiritual battle, if a soldier is injured, you need to remove them from the front lines and allow them time to heal and recover. And yet? As we struggled with this later, we still felt it was wrong. Because it is not Biblical.
God uses the weak and frail. Time and time again in the Bible, it shows us this. God likes to use the Failures. The type of people that church boards and committees and focus groups deem “not worthy” and/or acceptable.
And you know what? I’m better. Healed. I’m completely off of medication now. I’m okay. I’m back to “Jen”. But I was okay during the healing as well. I was deep in spiritual growth over the last six months and I think in your weakest and your darkest and in your pain, that is when God uses us the most.
Today, in my Experiencing God devotions, it said:
If you only live for
time – the here and now – you will miss the ultimate purpose of creation. If you live for time, you will allow your
past to shape your life today. Your life
as a child of God ought to be shaped by the future – what you will be one
day. God uses your present experiences
to mold you for future usefulness here on earth and in eternity.
And you know what? I will not be shaped by my past. What others have done that have really Messed Up my life in a very real and awful way. I will not be shaped by what I have done to mess up my life. Because I am forgiven. They are forgiven. And this? This is just a blip on all eternity.
The study went on further to discuss Paul. Someone who had a very difficult personal history as well. Much to overcome. And his approach?
Philippians 3:13-14 “Brothers,
I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining
toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God
has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
1. Forget what is behind
2. Strain toward what is ahead
3. Press on towards the goal – eternity
God is really teaching me right now this week that I need to let go of my failures and other’s failures. I need to forget the past. It is time to move on. I need to strain toward what is ahead. Press on toward that goal. Eternity.
I can’t wait.
